(guinevere)What do i do with these feelings?

[Pandra]

Pandra stood looking out one of the windows of the castle. She had brought a chair to the spot and was sitting in it. Helena was sound asleep and it was about time for the rest of the castle to fall asleep. She was on day number three with no sleep and was wondering if she didn't sleep if she was likely to become delusional. She was sure she was already at that place but somehow her body and mind did not want to work together in getting her to sleep. The tension was almost too much for her to handle. She didn't like it. She didn't like the rumors she was hearing and well things were still on her mind.

She took a deep breath and sighed as the moon shone bright on the street outside. It was soon covered by a cloud. Pandra wrapped a blanket closer around her holding a locket and ring close to her heart and a letter resting on her lap. It was that letter that was making her think so much and making her worry. There were feelings she had for others that she didn't understand. She was to innocent in the ways of men. She wasn't even sure what she was supposed to be looking for in a companion of that gender.

She closed her eyes for a moment and did not notice anyone coming up on her. she was too deep in thought to actually notice.

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[Guinevere Castus]

It was one of those nights Guinevere could find no rest and she did not wish to wake up Arthur, he needed his rest and surely had better things to worry about instead of his wife’s silly worries. She placed a long cloak about her and took a candle, which she lit with one of the outside torches in the castle. A light walk would do her good, especially ease her mind. She sighed and then followed a long hall feeling the cold wind enter through the naked windows. She could feel the rustle of the leaves against the walls of the castle and it somewhat reminded her of their current situation, would things work out in the end for the Britons? Would peace be an achievable goal? She ran a hand through her long dark hair, and it was then, when in such stroll she recognized Pandra.

The young woman was standing in front of a window looking lost in through and holding a letter against her heart. She was so into what her mind was undergoing that she did not see Guinevere’s shadows as she approached her with the candle in hand, nor did she feel the warmth of the heat. She even hesitated whether or not to approach her, but her face showed such weariness she felt the urge to talk to her daughter’s governess and try and help her if possible.

“It is a lovely moon.” She said standing behind Pandra and looking up at the moon as it shone with silver light. She was trying to read the girl’s face, could it be she was having problems with her feelings? “I hope I am not interrupting, I could not sleep today.” She then looked at the letter and added, “I was walking about, and could not help but to wonder if you were ok, I see the way you hold that letter, is there something the matter?” She smiled at her, she was such a lovely girl, she only hoped she would be able to help if at all.

[Pandra]

Pandra was holding back tears. The letter she held in her hand and close to her heart was from the only man that ever had sad something about loving her. He had died when she had gone back to her tribe this go around. There was a battle about two months after she had arrived back home. They had one but not without horrible loss of life on both ends of the battle. Everyone kept what they had and they gained a few more resources but that was about it when all was said and done. Pandra had lost another constant in her life. A constant that had been like a brother to her and then so much more once she took her coming of age tests. She's made him proud but now he was gone and she wouldn't see him again. She refused to cry she hadn't since she was a young child. Nothing good ever came of it. She was grieving however and even she grieved in a way that baffled people. Some were afraid she's lose it like her mother did when her father died. Pandra had no intent on going crazy or anything like that. She was a private person at times and just needed to be alone. Aberth was the only one that knew even slightly what was going on in the young girl's mind.

Pandra had not realized that the Queen had come up behind her until the other spoke. Surprisingly enough Pandra did not jump and only turned around with a slightly smile on her face though her hand that held the letter never dropped from holding it close to her heart. It was no use in trying to hid something of that nature as she was sure that Queen has seen it already. All she could think about were Danick's last words to her. No one else had heard them and then a letter and two things one he's made for her the other he was going to give her once he came back. She didn't understand what was going on with her at the moment. She wasn't sure she even wanted to. She didn't want to cry in front of anyone she didn't want to break down but she knew that was exactly where she was headed and maybe it was for the better she wasn't sure.

"Yes the moon is lovely and slightly claming." He smile was only half there and it was evident that there were things on the sixteen year olds mind. "No your Majesty you are not interrupting. What keeps you from sleep?" She was trying not to say anything about her feelings but the next words that came out of the Queens mouth made her open up her own. "Its from a male back in my tribe. The Gods have taken him." That was all she said before she turned away from Guinevere merely sensing the tears that were going to fall. Could she let them and still be okay afterwards? Could she mourn like any other? Could she show that she was indeed human? Tears were not something that came from her even when she felt them she didn't let them fall. Though she was struggling to keep composure at the moment.

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[Guinevere Castus]

Guinevere was worried about Pandra, she looked so sad and at the same time unwilling to let all these feelings show. It really wasn’t fair that someone so young, beautiful and innocent went through something so serious. She was a strong woman; she had never seen her that affected, even in the middle of all these constant skirmishes and battles. Pandra had always been a model for Helena, for she saw in the young lady someone to love, play with and learn from. Whenever Guinevere was unable to tend to her beloved angel, the only person she trusted for the job was Pandra, although the child even had most knights in Arthur’s court in love with her tenderness, still, they had duties to tend to. She sighed looking down upon the girl as she pressed the letter against her heart and took deep breaths, she could see the forming of tears, but she suppressed them, the retained any need to cry and fought against her own human nature.

What could she do to help? She felt so insignificant and powerless. She was a Queen and had so many abilities not many had, yet all that was useless and held no value compared to situations such as these where having power was of no use. She placed a hand on the lady’s shoulder, how could she tell her that it was perfectly fine to cry? Guinevere would not think less of her if she did, everyone needed to cry form time to time, otherwise bottling things up would be only an impediment and would have dire consequences, sometimes the person was prone to get sick, others despair would block the ray of light coming into their lives. Pandra had so many years ahead of her, he did not wish for her to become bitter, yet she only hoped that the girl would not feel as if Guinevere was being of no help and she would rather be on her own. Though she understood sometimes people liked to be on their own, at this moment Pandra needed to know it was ok to be sad.

"Yes the moon is lovely and slightly calming… No your Majesty you are not interrupting. What keeps you from sleep?"

At least her silly comment made the girl smile a little. It was good, she was talking and that meant they would help one another. She stood next to her, looking at the moon still, perhaps if she opened up a bit toward her the girl would also confide in Guinevere. She sighed and then said, “I guess I am worried about Arthur. All this seems to be running him ragged, and it gets nowhere, I sometimes wish it had al finished already, you know? It is so easy to take peace for granted, but what can we do when we have never known such times? This land has been in constant war for such a long time, whenever you try to convince others that peace if achievable, they do not believe you.”

"Its from a male back in my tribe. The Gods have taken him."

She noticed she turned away, but, instead of forcing the words form her or turning her to face her, she embraced her like an elder sister would and she whispered, “Pandra, you are brave, but at times you need to let it all out, I will not judge you, if you need to cry, do so on my shoulder.” She then whispered, “It is hard losing someone you love, but remember, I’m here.”

[Pandra]

Pandra really didn't know how to show here emotions. She loved being around Helena because it made her forget all the things that she'd rather not remember she knew. Playing with the Princess brought light into her world and she was never going to allow herself to be bitter. She actually didn't think she had it in her to be completely bitter towards anyone from a long period of time. In her short sixteen years of life not matter how bad it had gotten she had always come through and essential out on top. One would think that she would want to enact vengence or something on the Saxons for having left her for dead five or so years ago but she didn't. She didn't have it out for wanting to harm anyone who was completely innocent of her capture or those that were just following orders. She understood in a sense. However, it didn't mean she liked the Saxons any and if they took something else away from her she'd probably never forgive them. She couldn't bare the thought of losing any of the Knights right now especially Galahad or Tristan. She'd probably lose it. She'd fall apart literally if they were killed off and there was nothing she could do to stop it or at least ease the passing. No she's break and all things she had learned about death would go out the window.

Pandra was a Druidess of death. It did not effect her the way that it did everyone else. It was merely because she had been around so much death in her short life that she had been given much of a reason to feel anything towards it. It was just something that happened to everyone.She had not cried for her parents. Most children would have been lost and scared but she was not. On top of that she had made Aberth think twice about taking on someone to do the job after him. He wasn't going to take anyone at a young age and mold them into a Druid of death and by no means was her going to take a female but he did. Her charm and the fact that she was slightly like him in more ways then one made people wonder. Of course it was obvious that no one had done anything wrong and she was her parent's child.

All this thinking was doing the sixteen year old no good. She was trying way to hard to keep the emotional rollercoaster inside and it was ready to burst out. As the minutes passed she was sure that she'd have no control over what she would do. She missed Danick, like her father, he was the only that understood the head strong females of her family. Her mother had caught her father's eye because she was tough and head strong no matter what the others said about her sanity or lack there of. Pandra was the daughter of a crazy lady. However, her father was a tribe Hero and when he died they mourned him but did nothing to help them out. She'd been young and her mom did the best she could. She had no reason to want to go back to the village save now for Abreth and Danick. He was not now taken out of the picture as the Gods had claimed them as his own. It wasn't fair and that wasn't usually how she thought. Why had she been left with all these feeling and no real way to express them because she'd never felt them before? Or was it that emotions just confused her?

She couldn't breath right now either. She's lost all will power but that which was keeping her from crying of course no one could tell she wasn't exactly breathing in the first place. She could play dead if she wanted too though at the moment that wasn't exactly what she was going for. She wanted the emotional ride to stop she wanted to be normal...well normal as she ever would be after finding out what she had and going through what she had. No she had not seen what the Knights or even the Queen had probably seen but she'd seen enough for her lifetime she was sure. She wanted peace and she wanted the tension to go away. She wanted everyone to be happy but of course that probably wasn't going to happen any time soon and people would die so happiness and peace came at a great cost to everyone involved in the first place. She mentally shook herself she was showing weakness not that that was a bad thing as she was female but she didn't like seeming so vulnerable.

Pandra at the moment was also not realizing that the Queen might feel powerless at the moment. It dawned on her that the royal couple could feel like they could do nothing but they had always been there for her and she saw nothing that they couldn't deal with. It just took time. though she could sense the tension alone from the Queen and the King each day. They put on the face that showed the people that they were in power but to those that knew them well enough they knew that the weight of all this was coming down hard on the King and the Queen in her own right. She looked up at the Queen as she placed a hand on her shoulder. A sad smile came across her face but she was still fighting the tears. She had too or she'd go against everything she'd been telling herself she would not do since that day she was kidnapped by the Saxons and put through things that she was sure not even the Knights would understand and how she had survived it all even she didn't know.

She came out of her musing as the Queen began to answer her question. She watched the moon and the streets listening to the Guinevere. "I still believe in peace. I still think we can have it but men who don't know when to quit never learn to live." She bit her lower lip. "Men born and bred to fight have to be taught how to live without the constant battle." She came from a warrior tribe. You were born and bred to be exactly what you were and thankfully the warriors of her clan new how to live with peace however long it lasted from tribe to tribe but the were also almost always looking for a fight. They were restless and a woman's love normally tamed them. A people so used to fighting would take some time to convince that peace was something that they needed. "I'm sure his Majesty wants nothing more than to stop and bring about peace. He'll get it too if any man alive could he will." She had such unwavering confidence in Arthur that most people were slightly taken aback at the way she spoke about him.

After saying what she could on what the Queen has said her mind quickly floated back to her own problem and the fact that tears were still being fought back. Pandra let Guinevere turn her face so she was looking into the other's eyes. Then she embraced her and all at once, even without the words the tears came rolling down. She sobbed into Guinevere's chest trying to catch a breath here and there. She didn't know how long she cried but after she was done she quickly pulled away and looked down. Ashamed in some manner of getting Guinevere's clothing wet. She said nothing however until she caught her barings and made sure that her eyes were dry. She's hadn't cried in years. Actually she couldn't remember the last time that she had.

"Thank you" she whispered softly before tucking the letter away in her dress and looking back up at the Queen. Her eyes seemed to dance and her mood seemed to change if only just slightly. It was like the weight of the world had lifted off her shoulders. She remembered why it was that she could face death and be okay. Why she could do the things she did and mourn in a very different way then everyone else. "I'm still so very confused. The male back in my tribe was the only one aside from my mentor that...that ever cared about me." She pulled her locket and ring out of her dress displaying it. The ring looked as though it were a promise to someone of loyalty or something else. Handcrafted for just the person that it belonged too and crafted by the hand of its maker. "Danick...Danick had planned on asking me to marry him when I returned to my tribe but war took him from me. He..." She shook her head. No she couldn't say it not after crying she couldn't just up and crying again but the tears started falling softly now. "He died in my arms. I couldn't save him." She closed her eyes and didn't even make a move to stop the flood of tears.

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[Guinevere Castus]

Guinevere was a woad warrior; she was daughter to Merlin and one of the few remaining native people in Angliaterra. That was why, if there was one person who could understand how Pandra felt at that very moment, that was Guinevere. She knew she would be unable to do anything to help for the loss, she had no magical powers nor could she demand the gods to bring the dead back to life, everything had a cycle and as a Priestess of death Pandra knew this quite well. But that did not mean she was not human, she had feeling like everyone else and loosing someone you saw yourself starting a life with and at such tender age, was truly overwhelming. And in Hadrian’s Wall she had to feel truly alone, away from her family and friends, Guinevere would have to be here for her, perhaps this would be good for them both, spending little time as she now did with Arthur, Guinevere spent long hours on her own, whenever Helena was not in the castle.

She smiled, “It is fine to cry Pandra, you do not lose your virtue nor will anyone else know, for you are with one of your people, and a friend, let these unknown emotions flow, and find console in my embrace, although I cannot do anything else for you, I can understand you, and listen to you.” She did her best to be supportive; she did not wish to burden the young girl with her own problems and doubts.

"I still believe in peace. I still think we can have it but men who don't know when to quit never learn to live… Men born and bred to fight have to be taught how to live without the constant battle."

She smiled at her, Pandra was so innocent and had such a positive mind, if only every king and politician had her viewpoint, the world would be so different, “We can only hope people will realize that sooner than later.” Despite being a woad warrior, and being taught on the battle tactics to survive, Guinevere cam to realize that war was not the solution to everything, many died, through the foolishness of their leaders; it certainly would not be the solution to their current situation.

“I'm sure his Majesty wants nothing more than to stop and bring about peace. He'll get it too if any man alive could he will."

She smiled and said, “He does want that, but both ends of the rope need to agree, otherwise the tension persists, if the alien tribes realize that peace is essential then all will be well, if not, I do not know what will happen.”

"Thank you"

She smiled, “There is no need, so long as you ensure you feel better dearest.” She caressed her hair for a moment, like an elder sister would and smiled at her, if only she could do more for her. But at least knowing she had a friend was something, right?

"I'm still so very confused. The male back in my tribe was the only one aside from my mentor that...that ever cared about me."

She sighed, what could you do or say in such situations? She moved a lock of hair form Pandra’s face and said softly, “Perhaps… or it could be you have not noticed others also care for you. Things happen for a reason, yet be happy that you knew him, you got to spend time with him, and he graced your life for as long as he did. Some people never find anyone to love them.”

"Danick...Danick had planned on asking me to marry him when I returned to my tribe but war took him from me. He..."

She looked at the ring for a moment, it was beautiful and he surely seemed to have made a serious promise and for that Guinevere felt even sadder for the fate of her friend’s lover. If only Guinevere could do something to ease the pain, but only time could, so long as Pandra wished to move on, that sounded harsh didn’t it? But she was so young, surely Danrick would not have wanted her to sacrifice her happiness, if he loved her, he would wish her to be happy and to remember him fondly. “It is beautiful.”

"He died in my arms. I couldn't save him."

She embraced her again, as they sat alongside each other, “At least he had the comfort of having you next to him, the one he loved, I only wish I could do more for you my friend.”